The snow is sticking to my eyelashes today in the most furiously beautiful way, but I don’t feel anything. I am tense, I am angry. Today is just one of those days to spend time alone with myself and think and write and observe every little thing around me in silence. I travel home tomorrow to the windy city, but I am torn. Half of me wants to stay here in college, half of me wants to go home and see my family, all of me wants to escape and go on an adventure. I am all packed, but things seem to missing, not just physical objects, but a piece of my heart. I have learned a lot in these past few months in college. I know who I am. I don’t care what people think, they are free to judge, assume, view me as they see me. I started to fall into a state of bliss with a guy then got nicely ripped apart recently. I have found a best friend, I have found many. I have met people I can’t trust. I met the sweetest guy. I met the funniest girl. I have been inspired. I have been a deer in the headlights. Everything is standing at a crossroads and I am content with just that.
Why does everyone need to be with a loved one or persons during a holiday? Having a boyfriend/girlfriend to share love with, kissing under the mistletoe, all that gut wrenching cute stuff is what we live and breath for. Spending Christmas and New Years without that gives it a little less spark. So once again I am spending my break alone with my family. But why do I hunger so much to know what it’s like to be with a guy I like during a holiday? The only answer is what all of us search for: love. Whether it be love from another person, love of the work or profession you do, love of life, etc....it’s what we surround our life with. But I’d like to think that maybe I might feel a spark with someone during this month long break. It will all come together eventually.
Outside in the trees are skeletons showered with white icicles. It’s quiet. I sit. Maybe it’s time for a break. To get myself together. Or to not get myself together, maybe to just fall apart. Look for a girl in a bright red knitted hat. Hopefully, I’ll be dancing.
